“Great, I’m going to die pantless on a bathroom floor”.
Spoiler alert: I didn’t die. But I did get a big wake-up call from my body. It was time to pay attention and make some changes.
Meeting the cancer doctor
My mom finally convinced me to get it all looked at, after multiple ultrasounds and specialists looking at my case, it became clear that I was dealing with some serious issues. Surgery was in my near future. I remember getting referred to a specialist at the hospital after a blood test showed some numbers that were elevated for cancer markers.
It didn’t occur to me until I got to the hospital that the doctor I was about to see was a Gynecologist Oncologist aka. FEMALE CANCER doctor. I was in disbelief walking into the cancer center at the hospital with my mom. Seeing all the cancer patients in the waiting room.
I was shaking and scared and wanted to run.
After my millionth ultrasound, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which had caused grapefruit-sized cysts on both ovaries. Severe endometriosis (stage 4) consists of multiple deep implants, large cysts on one or both ovaries, and thick adhesions. I already knew about the PCOS, I was in shock that I could have both disorders. I didn’t even know that was possible, nor did I have a clue about what endometriosis was.
She recommended surgery right away and wanted to do a full hysterectomy. Take it all out, partially because PCOS and Endometriosis can leave you at higher risk for cancer.
The doctor described the surgery she wanted to do, they wouldn’t know IF I had cancer until they opened me up. She wanted to perform major surgery, cut me from near my belly button to my pubic bone, open up my abdominal cavity and see what they were dealing with. The surgery was called an exploratory laparotomy and it sounded like my worst nightmare.
They scheduled me for surgery in a few weeks and nothing felt ok anymore.
Grief and disbelief
I was in shock and decided then and there I was going to find an alternative way to deal with this. I remember thinking, It was probably an issue with my diet I just wasn’t eating enough kale or I was eating too much sugar…that had to be it.
The denial set in. I refused to believe that I needed that kind of major surgery and I was positive that I didn’t have cancer. I started researching anti-cancer diets, how to heal cysts and what other people did in this circumstance. But no luck, surely I couldn’t be the only one?
Then I became furious, the anger was palpable. The “why me” loop started in my head.
After scouring the internet, I couldn’t find anyone who had been through this surgery, it seemed that everyone had the laparoscopic (tiny incisions) surgery and was recovered quickly. My recovery was going to take months, I would have to quit teaching yoga and stay in bed for weeks.
I was seething with anger and didn’t know how to cope.
Eventually, I started doing tons of research and consulting with other doctors. I wanted a second opinion before I consented to major surgery. I talked to a doctor I trusted and she kindly agreed with my surgeon, this was my best option.
I still didn’t believe her and decided to work on my diet and I postponed my surgery.
I signed up for Kris Carr’s 21 day plant-based diet challenge (if you don’t know her story, I’d google it…she’s been living with cancer for over 11 years). I mean, she lives with cancer and she’s fine. The plants surely held the key.
I was bargaining with my doctors and my family, I wanted to see if I could shrink my cysts with a plant-based diet. My research said that it was possible so I was gonna make it happen dammit.
After 30 days of eating plant-based, I agreed to go in for another ultrasound to see if the cysts went away. I was sure that I had willed them away with my diet and refusal to accept that they existed. Pleasefortheloveofgod
The ultrasound was clear – they had not magically disappeared, but they had not grown either. While not what I wanted to hear, it was information about how this diet prevented things from getting worse.
I spent the next few months depressed and alone. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about this and every time I thought about the surgery the anxiety was so bad I could hardly breathe.
I decided I had to get out of town, sometimes I need a change of scenery to shift my mindset. I went to visit my brother in Seattle and I spent 10 days alone (we hung out when he wasn’t working), processing everything, trying to think my way out of it. I journaled, went for long walks alone, spent time in nature, cried, freaked out, cried some more and finally came to grips with everything that was happening.
I realized how bad my anxiety and depression had become and I finally understood that not listening to my body was how I ended up here.
Can I really make peace with this?
I came home from Seattle finally ready to make a decision about the surgery. It finally clicked that I needed this surgery because my life was at risk. Wishing, eating kale and trying to find a way out weren’t going to make things better. I had to decide to do the surgery and get it over with.
I made it through the surgery and then began the long road to recovery. It took about a year to heal physically, 3 to heal emotionally and mentally. You can read more about my healing after surgery here. It was a bumpy road but I finally found peace with the whole experience.
This entire experience made my life what it is today. I know that I had to go through all that so that I can help others who are in the middle of it now. I know my story will help other people on their own healing journey.
Things are supposed to fall apart
Finding yourself in the middle of some scary symptoms or facing a diagnosis can shake you to your core. Suddenly the rug has been pulled out from beneath you and nothing seems stable anymore. The future looks bleak and you may be facing a lifetime of medications, surgeries, or lifestyle adjustments. How the hell are you supposed to find “normal” ever again?
When your world gets shaken by a diagnosis, death, loss or big change it can feel like everything is falling apart, it can feel like you are dying. And you are in a sense. Your old life is ending so that the new one can begin.
In the change cycle, this is referred to as Square 1: Death and Rebirth. Your old identity dissolves, things are falling apart all around you and everything can feel too much, impossible and awful. Like a hurricane blew in and laid waste to your life.
The good news: You’ve been here before.
You’ve likely been through many Square 1 changes in your life…breakups, moving, losing a job, losing a friend even becoming a parent qualifies. It feels scary because we aren’t taught to expect it. And yet, it happens over and over again, many times in our lifetimes.
This major bump in the road is supposed to happen, it’s supposed to lead you to the next phase of your life. You can probably think back to some of the pivotal moments in your life and realize that your life after that moment was never the same.
The other good news: This death is temporary.
While it may feel like everything is terrible and nothing will get better, it always does. The best thing you can do is let it happen. Let life fall apart and feel the grief. Eventually, you’ll get to the other side and start to rebuild.
If you’re in the middle of falling apart and need help rebuilding, talking about it helps. Take a deep breath, allow it to take you on a journey. Make yourself a big cup of tea and call a friend or book a discovery call, your healing begins when you take action.
Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash